Conflict

So I have two finals tomorrow, and I also have super poor time management skills. I've been freaking out and studying all day. Then I remembered that my Spanish professor said he had decided to drop the lowest test grade, and now I have a dilemma. I have an A in the class, so I could feasibly bomb this test intentionally and not have my grade affected. But I'm also a perfectionist, and a scardy cat. So, that makes me really nervous. But let's be real, I'm getting tired of this college junk, and I'll probably snap and just get really apathetic.

Two More Weeks

Life seriously flies. Things are perpetually changing, and I can't keep up with them. One minute I'm just getting comfortable in college, and then the next I have two more weeks in my junior year, and I'm starting to talk about graduate school and wonder what the next chapter will be like. Last summer felt like an eternity, and all of the sudden it's a year later and I'm starring at another. I guess the way things change can be a comfort in some regards. If you're not happy where you are, hold on for just a bit, and you'll be somewhere else before you know it.

What You Want in the Moment

Not trading what you want in the moment, for what you want in the end is one of the hardest things to learn. Unfortunately, more and more opportunities to practice this skill seem to pop up the older you get. It applies to so many things: diets, time management, schoolwork, relationships... you name it. The world offers so many "tinny" replicas of true, bona fide joy, that it's a continual struggle to remember that those things ultimately will never leave you feeling full. I hope that holding out for the earnest versions of happiness gets easier and easier the older you get... the more you see that waiting is always worth it. But what I do know is that I have faith that the best is still yet to come, and that I won't find what I ultimately crave in this world, because it's not the one my soul was created for. What a blessing it is to have a Jesus that can promise me so much more than this life can. He promises us that those who hope in Him will not be disappointed (Isaiah 49:23), and every bridge He's ever built in my life has held. So why not take Him at His word?

Not Happening

So when I took my gen ed sciences classes, my adviser was totally off base about CSD requirements, and said any science classes would suffice. Well she was wrong, and I ended up taking two global climate classes and zero physics, chemistry, or biology. While I'm so glad I wasted those 8 credit hours of my college experience (not), I'm left playing catch up in ridiculous gen ed classes that are mostly freshman. I'm taking biology now, and was planing on taking physics next semester. Until I realized that Math 1010 is a prerequisite for physics classes, or special professor permission. I never took Math 1010, and met both my gen ed and major requirements with statistics. I'm done with math people. I already celebrated and everything. More math is not happening. NOT HAPPENING. I emailed the professor about special permission, but have yet to hear anything. Either way. Math 1010 is not happening. I did my time.

Mixed Feelings

Normally when the end of the school year is this close I can hardly contain my excitement, and the thought of Summer makes me feel all bubbly inside... I mean the reign of academic terror is about to draw to a close, right? Well this year I feel strangely different. First, I forgot what month is was today, and thought to myself "I guess we're almost halfway through this semester," before I realized that there are 3 short weeks of classes left. I'm not sure why it's different this time. Maybe the realization that this is my last Summer being in undergrad is scaring me... the life stage that once seemed like forever is now barreling down the tracks, and honestly... it's starting to scare me, and make me a little sad. Just when I got comfortable in college, when I learned how to manage everything successfully... it's starting to draw to a close. And I'm not sure I'm okay with it.

Unemployed

I'm hopelessly unemployed, and I'm starting to get really stressed about it. I thought I had a nannying job lined up for the Summer, but it ended up falling through because the family changed their Summer plans. So here I am, unemployed, and totally broke. And with grad school looming in the distance, now is not the time to be taking the next 3 months to paint my nails and catch up on Netflix. I know there's still some time left to find a job, but I'm still really stressing about it. Not many places want to hire someone who will leave them hiring once again as soon as the Fall rolls around. But hey, I'm gonna be optimistic and choose to believe that something will turn up. And if not, lemonade stands are still a thing, right?

Feeding Yourself is Hard

Lately I have really reached the conclusion that feeding yourself is hard. It's expensive. Time consuming. And it requires a lot of planning and thought. Like I am officially giving my parents mad props for keeping not only themselves, but also me, alive for this many years. I can barely feed myself. And don't even get me started on the extra level of difficulty that is reached if you're trying to eat well. I've given up gluten and sugar for a while, and sometimes I'd rather go hungry than go to the work of cooking. Being a grown up is hard.